A lot happened in the world this year. But I honestly can’t think of one interesting thing that happened to me.
No moves. No job changes. Aside from a couple of short trips to New York, no vacations.
No boyfriends- although there was one guy I dated for about a month over the summer, a guy who actually got my hopes up. My last date with him was shortly before my birthday, and the next day, my family was coming over for my birthday. I was hoping we’d end up having the DTR talk and I’d get to tell my family about him. Instead, we ended up realizing that we weren’t long-term compatible and breaking things off.
My rent increased. So did my weight. So did my antidepressant dosage.
I spent a lot of time crying. Dragging myself out of bed every day grew harder. I had a hard time motivating myself to exercise or cook or do anything besides go home and collapse on the couch.
The election of Donald Trump left me overwhelmed with hatred. Sometimes I fight with people over it, and I’m constantly, and sincerely, wishing harm on others. I feel like I love less than I used to. Like it’s harder for me to find any beauty in the world.
I’m sick of constantly feeling sad, angry, hopeless. I want to believe that a better future lies ahead. I want to make myself into a person who can love, and who deserves love.
When I said that to my friends tonight, they told me not to let go of what’s good about me.
I said, truthfully, “I don’t know what’s good about me.” So they told me what they thought.
I have no idea why, despite everything, I still have such great friends. But I’m so glad that I do.
Here’s to a better 2018, and a better me.