Monthly Archives: December 2012

Playlist of the Moment: Songs for All Year Long

Every New Year’s Eve for the last six years, I’ve gone through my music and made a gigantic playlist of music I’d like to listen to more often. I just made my 2013 playlist, but I’m not going to share that here because it’s too long!

I am, however, going to share with you a playlist called “Songs for All Year Long.” It has a song for each month and many holidays. Listen to it all through next year, or right now as we welcome in the new one!1. The Damn Millionaires, “Brand New Year”
2. The Goo Goo Dolls, “January Friend”
3. U2, “Pride (In the Name of Love)”
4. The Goo Goo Dolls, “Two Days in February”
5. Martina McBride, “Valentine”
6. Randy Newman, “Mr. President (Have Pity on the Working Man)”
7. Christine Kane, “Mary Catherine’s Ash Wednesday Journal Entry”
8. Lex Land, “Ides of March”
9. Mary Black, “A Song for Ireland”
10. Simon and Garfunkel, “April Come She Will”
11. Judy Garland, “Easter Parade”
12. Jonathan Coulton, “First of May”
13. Liz Phair, “Cinco de Mayo”
14. Beth Hart, “Mama”
15. Sarah McLachlan, “I Will Remember You”
16. The Decemberists, “June Hymn”
17. Barenaked Ladies, “The Flag”
18. George Michael, “Father Figure”
19. The Dixie Chicks, “Cold Day in July”
20. Martina McBride, “Independence Day”
21. Rilo Kiley, “August”
22. Green Day, “Wake Me Up When September Ends”
23. Kris Allen, “She Works Hard for the Money”
24. James Taylor, “October Road”
25. Ella Fitzgerald, “They All Laughed”
26. Loreena McKennitt, “All Souls Night”
27. Guns ‘n’ Roses, “November Rain”
28. Dropkick Murphys, “The Green Fields of France”
29. Andrew Gold, “Thank You for Being a Friend”
30. Green Day, “Macy Day Parade”
31. Counting Crows, “A Long December”
32. Joni Mitchell, “River”
33. Mairi Campbell and David Francis, “Auld Lang Syne”

Songs for All Year Long from purebrightfire on 8tracks Radio.

Katie Recaps The Room, Part II

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Previously, there was this post. Let’s continue.

In the next scene, Lisa is calling Mark again, who responds to “I miss you,” with “I just saw you. What are you talking about?” Blah blah blah Mark doesn’t want to see her again, but we all know how long that will last.

AND THEN WE HAVE AN ABSOLUTELY AMAZING PIECE OF ACTING. See for yourself.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5utc5TOPNbo]

Uh, yeah. Also, we never find out HOW Johnny found out about Lisa’s lie about him hitting her, but we do get this random Chris-R scene? WTF?

Anyway, Mark wants to know if girls like to cheat like guys do. He knew one girl who had a dozen guys, and when one of them found out, he beat her up so bad she ended up in a hospital on Guererro Street. Johnny’s response to this? HE LAUGHS. Even though that’s not the least bit funny. When Johnny says Mark needs a girl, Mark says, “Maybe I already do.” He also comments about women, “Sometimes they’re too smart. Other times they’re just flat-out stupid. Other times, they’re just evil.” In another movie I might find this misogynistic and disturbing, but because everything else here is so ridiculous, it’s best not to think about it too much.

After Mark leaves the roof as Johnny throws a football in the air (drink!), Denny comes up. They’re going to see a movie that night, but when Denny asks what kind of movie, Johnny says not to plan too much, because it might come out right. As they throw a football around, Denny confesses that he thinks he’s in love with Lisa, who “looks beautiful in her red dress” (drink!). Johnny takes the news amazingly well, telling Denny not to worry about it and waxing philosophical: “If a lot of people love each other, the world would be a better place to live.” Also, Denny has apparently been seeing some girl named Elizabeth and after some thought, Denny says he wants to marry Elizabeth once he graduates, which earns him a, “That’s the idea!” (Drink!) The scene ends with Johnny saying, “Let’s go eat, huh?”

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXNLkD9PA3g]

In the next scene, Lisa repeats the Johnny-hit-me lie to Michelle, who reacts more appropriately than Claudette did. Lisa also confesses her affair with Mark. Michelle warns her that someone will get hurt, but agrees not to tell anyone about it. Then Johnny comes home, and Michelle leaves, warning Lisa to remember what she said. Johnny confronts Lisa about her hitting lie. Lisa warns Johnny that she might change her mind about him, and when Lisa says she’s going upstairs, Johnny gets upset and ends up saying…

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Plz-bhcHryc]

Lisa asks him why he’s so hysterical, and he says, “Do you understand life? Do you?” They sort of awkwardly make up as Lisa goes upstairs for the night, and Johnny says, “I still love you!” I know the movie has reminded us a million times that LISA IS HOT, but I still can’t quite see why Johnny seems to love her so much.

Next scene. Johnny is in the hallway when Mike shows up (drink for “Oh, hai Mike!”) and retells, for some reason, the story about Claudette seeing him run back into the apartment to retrieve what he refers to as “me underwears” [sic]. Then Denny shows up with a football (drink!) and they throw it around in the hallway while standing about three feet apart. Then Mark shows up (drink for “Oh, hai Mark!”) He joins the conversation and comments, “Underwear, what’s that?” Mike doesn’t want to talk about it, and Mark very lightly nudges Mike, who somehow crumbles and falls dramatically into a metal trash can. Everyone is way more concerned about THIS than about Claudette’s breast cancer. Then they all decide to go home. No, there was not, in fact, a point to this scene, but that’s true so many times in this movie that it’s not even worth mentioning anymore.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHXkcZh_kqY]

In the next scene, Claudette is complaining to Lisa about how Johnny wouldn’t help her friend with something with her house because “it’s an awkward situation.” Claudette and Lisa have the same conversation again (drink!) except that this time, Lisa confesses that she’s seeing someone else. AND, dun dun dun, unbeknownst to them, Johnny is listening on the stairs. Claudette is also apparently psychic because, apropos of nothing, she comments, “If you think I’m tired today, you should see me tomorrow.” After Claudette and Lisa leave, Johnny indignantly (or as “indignantly” as Tommy Wiseau’s limited acting abilities will allow him to get) vows to “record everything” and sets up a cassette tape to record phone calls. Which…must be a pretty long tape, if it’s continuously recording.

Next scene. Johnny complains to another friend, a psychologist named Peter, about Lisa being unfaithful to him. Despite being a psychologist, Peter doesn’t have much useful advice except to confront Lisa, which Johnny won’t do. Then Mark comes over (two “oh hais”) and tells everyone that he’s seeing a woman who’s married and that it’s an awkward situation. Johnny talks about how Lisa is saying she might not want to get married, and Mark inserts two non-sequiturs, first about how he’s thinking of getting a bigger place because he’s making some good money, then to ask them if they’re doing Bay to Breakers. Peter says he’s not, to which Johnny responds by calling him a chicken and cheep-cheeping (drink!). Peter asks how Johnny and Lisa met, and Johnny says that it’s an interesting story. That phrase in this movie is a bit frightening, but it’s…not that interesting at all. Johnny had just moved to San Fran with a large check from an “out of state bank” that he couldn’t cash…despite being a banker. He saw Lisa in a coffee shop and thought she was so beautiful (drink!). Mark echoes my thoughts by asking what the interesting part is, and it’s that…Lisa paid for their first date. Okay then. Speaking of the devil, Lisa comes in with Denny, and Mark says he has to leave, despite Lisa wanting him to stick around. Denny asks Lisa about the wedding and why Johnny doesn’t seem excited about it, but Lisa blows him off and Denny leaves.

Peter goes up on the roof in the net scene to find Mark wearing a Canadian tuxedo and smoking pot. Maybe Chris-R is his dealer, too? He offers some to Peter, who declines. Mark is feeling guilty about something he’s done and feels like running and killing himself or doing something crazy. Peter confronts Mark about having an affair with Lisa, and Mark responds by…trying to throw Peter off the room. For like two seconds. Then he apologizes, Peter says he’s fine, AND THEN THEY GO ON AS IF MARK DIDN’T JUST TRY TO MURDER PETER. Peter says Mark shouldn’t see Lisa again and that Lisa is probably a sociopath. Mark whatevers him, and they both get down off the roof.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wH33L8GcxXU]

Oh, we’re in for a great scene next. Johnny is wearing his tuxedo and on the phone with someone. When he gets off, Denny comes in…also wearing a tux. Wedding? Nope, they just felt like putting their tuxedos on today. Don’t ask, because you will not get an explanation on this. The doorbell rings and in comes Peter, also in a tux. And then comes Mark…and while he’s also wearing a tux, the weirdest part is that there’s dramatic music and a close-up on Mark’s newly shaven face. Denny suggests playing football. Peter’s not so sure about it, but after they cheep-cheep him (drink!), he agrees. So they go outside and throw the football around while wearing tuxes and standing about three feet apart from each other. Then Peter trips and falls flat on his face, causing Denny to remark, “Gee, Peter, you’re clumsy.” Despite them only having played for about ten seconds, Peter says, “All right, that’s it. I’m done.”

And he is. Peter completely disappears from the movie after this scene.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjgPYaCr6so]

More San Fran, then a coffee shop scene in which someone is ordering cheesecake and bottled water. Johnny comes in holding…one manila folder. I guess that means he’s just come from work? He and Mark sit down at a table, and Mark vaguely complains about relationships again. The waitress brings their drinks and suggests they order cheesecake, but they decline. Mark asks Johnny how work was, and he said that the bank just got a new client. However, he can’t tell Mark about it, despite Mark’s protestations, because it’s confidential. He badly attempts to change the subject by asking Mark, “Anyway, how’s your sex life?” Uh…okay. Mark doesn’t want to tell him, and Johnny asks, “Why not?” as if randomly asking about someone’s sex life is a completely normal thing to do. Johnny gets up and leaves (neither of them ever pay for their drinks) and they make plans to go jogging.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCVSyhjBhro]

In Johnny and Lisa’s apartment, Lisa is seducing Mark AGAIN, and we DRINK! for another awkward sex scene and slow jam. Mark somehow seems really surprised by the whole thing, EVEN THOUGH HE’S BEEN TALKING ABOUT IT CONSTANTLY.

So when that’s finally over, we see Johnny and Mark at some park, running and tossing a football around. (Drink!) Why? Who knows?

But somehow, Mark is ALSO back at Johnny and Lisa’s. You know what? I think I’ve figured this out. Claudette can see the future and Mark can be in two places at once. THIS IS ACTUALLY A SUPERHERO MOVIE.

Before long, Mark and Lisa have taken their shirts off and Mark has told Lisa she’s beautiful (drink!). But Michelle knocks on the door before they can get too far and teases Mark with the XYZ (x-amine your zipper) joke that you thought was hilarious in second grade. Lisa and Michelle discuss the affair and how Lisa still hasn’t told Johnny, blah blah blah.

AND NOW MARK IS BACK WITH JOHNNY AT THE PARK. WTF? Now they’re just running like they’d talked about.

After some more stock San Francisco shots, Johnny leaves and says goodbye to Lisa as Claudette comes in. THEY HAVE THE SAME CONVERSATION THEY ALWAYS HAVE. Drink! Claudette opines that “marriage has nothing to do with love.”

That night, Johnny returns home to Lisa’s surprise birthday party for him. All their friends are there except Peter who, as I said, has disappeared from the movie.

There’s San Francisco footage in between scenes at the party, which makes no sense, but neither does anything else. Anyway, everyone is talking at the party when Lisa suggests going outside for some fresh air. This, of course, is just an excuse to make out with Mark…and what could go wrong with that? How about some random guy, who’s probably taking Peter’s lines, walking in on them? (The credits say his name is “Stephen,” so I’ll call him that). He asks them why they’re doing this, and Mark indignantly responds with possibly the best line in the movie: “You don’t understand anything, man. Leave your STUPID comments in your pocket!”

I need to start using that line more.

Johnny comes back in and says to Lisa, “You invited all my friends. Good thinking!” as if that’s not what you normally do for a surprise party. Then they all go back outside. Johnny suddenly announces to everyone that he and Lisa are “expecting.” After some congratulations, Michelle and Stephen confront Lisa about the cheating thing, and Lisa admits that she’s not really pregnant—she told Johnny that to “make it interesting.” Uh…okay? You think he won’t notice in nine months when the baby’s not there? Stephen says, “I feel like I’m sitting on an atomic bomb waiting for it to go off!” Lisa is unmoved and still doesn’t want to tell Johnny or do anything about the situation, and eventually she just tells everyone to go back inside for cake.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQtRS4wuvBU]

Inside, some completely random guy we’ve never seen before says his one and only line, “Lisa looks hot tonight.” (Drink!) Mark asks Lisa if the baby is hers, and Lisa ends up slapping him, which leads to Mark and Johnny briefly fighting. Cut to a bit later, when Lisa and Mark are basically slow dancing to no music. Johnny asks what they’re doing, and Lisa and Mark both say to leave them alone. Mark indignantly tells Johnny that Lisa’s changed her mind about him, and then echoes what many of us are thinking by saying, “Wake up, man! What planet are you on?” Johnny yells, “Don’t touch me, motherfucker!” and they end up fighting again. Johnny “cheep-cheeps” at Mark, which enrages him for some reason, and Johnny eventually stomps out yelling, “Everybody betray me. I’m fed up with this world!”

Later, Johnny has locked himself in the bathroom. Claudette says goodbye to Lisa as if everything is normal, and then Lisa asks Johnny when he’s coming out. Johnny: “In a few minutes, bitch.” Lisa: “Who are you calling a bitch?” Johnny: “You and your stupid mother.” And Lisa decides to take this opportunity to….call Mark. Great timing, that girl has. Mark no longer cares about being Johnny’s best friend and tells Lisa, “I want your body.” Johnny comes out of the bathroom and indignantly checks the magic tape recorder. You’d think he’d have all the proof he needs at this point that Mark and Lisa are having an affair, but for some reason the tape is what makes him go totally crazy. He and Lisa argue, and after listening to more of the tape, Johnny throws the tape recorder and moans about how he doesn’t have a friend in the world. Unmoved, Lisa tells him she’s leaving him and goes to be with Mark.

Then Johnny starts yelling and knocking things off shelves and breaking things as he flashes back to happier times. The pictures of spoons remain intact, but the TV he throws out the window isn’t so lucky. Then for some reason, he rubs Lisa’s red dress all over himself and then tears it up. Finally, he takes a gun out of a box (is it the same one he took from Chris-R?) and says, “God, forgive me,” before sticking the gun in his mouth and pulling the trigger.

Lisa and Mark run in. “Wake up Johnny!” yells Mark, while Lisa asks, “Is he dead?”

…Um, really? I’m not sure which one of those stupid comments is deeper in the pocket.

Lisa cries and Mark kisses Johnny’s forehead. But that doesn’t last long. Lisa says to Mark, “I’ve lost him but I still have you, right?” Mark retorts, “You’ll never have me.” He calls her a tramp and says she killed Johnny, followed with, “GET OUT OF MY LIFE, YOU BITCH!” Then Denny comes in, also crying, and Mark says to Lisa, “As far as I’m concerned, you can drop off the earth. That’s a promise.” Lisa and Mark start to leave, but eventually come back to comfort Denny. As we fade out, sirens wail in the background, and in a nice touch, we hear voices, one of them being a random woman who says, “Call 911!”

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ch1ti1VMzXU]

So that, my friends, is the glorious, awful wonder that is The Room. If you’re in Boston, Coolidge Corner does screenings about once a month. If you’re not in Boston, there’s probably a theater somewhere in your area that does them, too.

Either way, meet me there, as I hope I’ve convinced you to see it by now. Bring spoons, but leave your stupid comments in your pocket.

Katie Recaps The Room, Part I

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If you have talked to me in the last six months, chances are you have heard me mention two movies. One, of course, is Les Mis. The other, at the complete opposite end of the spectrum, is a movie called The Room.

If you’ve heard of it, well, you’ve heard of it—Julie had when I mentioned it to her. If not, it is a movie that is so bad that it’s actually a masterpiece of bad filmmaking.

The Room, which came out in 2003, was basically the giant vanity project of one Tommy Wiseau, a weird-looking middle-aged dude with long black hair and an accent that sounds kind of Eastern European, although he won’t tell anyone where he’s from. Some people have speculated that he’s an alien, which…actually would explain a lot. He financed the movie himself, by importing leather jackets from Korea or something, and for years, the movie had a billboard in a prominent place in LA. Eventually, people started going to see it in the one theater where it was playing, and when some famous people started spreading the word about it, it really took off. Now they do midnight showings, Rocky Horror-style, in theaters across the country. People throw plastic spoons whenever the movie’s framed pictures of spoons come onscreen and yell out lines. Julie and I went to a screening back in October and it was a lot of fun!

Julie and I have been trying to get more people to see it, but, funny thing, people don’t generally react with enthusiasm when you say, “I just saw the worst movie of all time! You should definitely see it!”

So I figured I needed a better way to convince people to see it. And what better way than by doing a blog post recapping the movie in all its laughably bad glory? So, without further ado, I present:

Katie Recaps The Room

First, we get vanity production studio graphic for “Wiseau Films” and some dramatic music that sounds like something from a video game. Then we open with some establishing stock footage of San Francisco. There will be a lot of this throughout the movie, although it doesn’t really matter that it takes place there—it could take place anywhere. This movie stars, is directed by, is produced by, is executive produced by, and is written by Tommy Wiseau.

Who’s Tommy Wiseau, you ask? Why, he’s this guy.

He sounds as strange as he looks, too—weird, vague Eastern European accent that sounds even weirder saying the lines you will soon hear him say.

And here comes the first line.

“Hi, babe. I’ve something for you!” Tommy Wiseau’s character Johnny, you see, has just arrived home to give his future wife Lisa a gift. (I say “future wife” because this movie is, for some reason, allergic to the word “fiancée.” It’s always “future husband” and “future wife.”) It turns out to be a red dress, and Lisa goes upstairs to try it on, then comes down the spiral staircase wearing it. Johnny: “Wow! You look so sexy , Lisa.”

OKAY. Now, before I get any further with this, I need to introduce….THE ROOM DRINKING GAME. The rules include drinking any time any one of these things happen:

One character says to another, “Oh hai ______.”
Johnny says, “That’s the idea.”
Someone comments on how hot Lisa looks
Any characters throw a football
A plot thread is dropped
There’s an awkward sex scene
Lisa and her mom have the same conversation they just had in the last scene
Johnny poorly imitates a chicken by going, “Cheep cheep cheep!” instead of “Bawk bawk bawk!”

So we’re less than a minute in, and already we’ve had one drink. We’ll have another in two seconds when their neighbor Denny, who’s about eighteen, enters and Johnny greets him with an “oh hai Denny.” Denny compliments Lisa on the dress, then asks how much it costs. They tell him not to ask a question like that, but if you think that’s socially awkward, just wait until the next scene.

Johnny says he’s going upstairs to take a nap. Denny asks if he can come, too, but Lisa says she’s going to join him. So Denny stands there eating an apple for a second before deciding to, uh, come upstairs and join Johnny and Lisa in the little pillow fight they’re having. Why? “I just like to watch you guys.” Rather than get creeped the fuck out by this kid who likes to watch them, they just laugh and tell him that three’s a crowd. When it dawns on Denny that they want to be alone, Johnny says, “That’s the idea.” (Drink!)

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qge1xYJnrRI]

So Denny leaves, and next we have a really long, awkward sex scene (Drink!) that goes on for about four minutes and involves some terrible editing in which Lisa’s hair goes from up to down to back up. Meanwhile, some obscure slow jam plays on the soundtrack.

The next morning, Johnny wakes up and quite literally smells the roses before we get a completely gratuitous shot of his naked ass as he gets up. Johnny says goodbye to Lisa before leaving for work.

Then Lisa’s mother Claudette comes over and after saying hi to her daughter says, “Let’s go to the couch and we will sit down,” which is not the kind of thing you normally say out loud. Lisa then complains that she’s tired of Johnny because he’s…boring. Because he….buys her things and is going to buy a house, apparently. Claudette, who is apparently not much of a feminist, tells Lisa, “He supports you, he provides for you, and darling, you can’t support yourself.” She reminds Lisa of all the things Johnny has bought her, that his position is secure, that he’s getting a promotion, etc. This is the same conversation Lisa and Claudette will have a zillion times throughout the movie, so…Drink! Then, as quickly as she came, Claudette has to leave.

Lisa then sits in a chair next to, uh, framed pictures of spoons (yeah, that’s not even the weirdest thing in this movie) and calls someone who we later learn is Johnny’s best friend Mark. She complains about how her mother wants to control her life, then says, I kid you not, “I’m gonna do what I want to do and that’s it. What do you think I should do?” Mark doesn’t know what she should do, but they do make plans to see each other the next day.

More San Francisco. Then the doorbell rings and it’s the next day, apparently, and Mark comes over. He sits down and Lisa starts caressing him and pouring wine. She says it’s hot in there before taking off her sweater to reveal a strapless dress. Mark: “I mean, the candles, the music, the sexy dress…what’s going on here?” Uh…there are no candles, the only music is on the soundtrack, and the dress ain’t that sexy. Lisa replies, “I like you very much, lover. Boy.” That’s exactly how she says it, too, with a pause in the middle. Mark reminds her that Johnny is his best friend and he and Lisa will be married the next month, but while Mark resists, Lisa’s declarations that she loves him and not Johnny eventually lead to them having sex on the spiral staircase as another random slow jam plays. Which looks…really uncomfortable. And, drink!

Afterwards, Mark reminds us AGAIN that Johnny is his best friend and asks Lisa why she did this to him, as if he had no choice in the matter. He reminds Lisa how beautiful she is (drink!) but says he can’t continue it.

And then, the best twenty seconds in the history of film. I can’t adequately summarize it, so I’ll just show you the video:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7S9Ew3TIeVQ]

Another drink there for the “Hai, doggie.”

In the net scene, Lisa is ordering a really complicated pizza, “Half Canadian bacon with pineapple, half artichoke with pesto and light on the cheese,” when the doorbell rings and it’s Denny. He’s looking for Johnny, who’s not home yet, but he tells Lisa how great she looks (drink!) and…asks if he can kiss her. Lisa’s reaction, “You are such a little brat!” is only slightly more understandable than their reaction to Denny liking to watch them. Denny leaves, and just a bit later, Johnny comes home with the dozen red roses he bought in the super-rushed flower shop scene where the florist somehow didn’t recognize him until he took off his sunglasses.

Lisa: Did you get your promotion?

Johnny: Nah. (goes to sit on the couch)

Lisa, who was apparently not listening: You didn’t get it, did you?

Johnny complains about how much money he saves the bank. “They betrayed me, they didn’t keep their promise, they tricked me, and I don’t care anymore.” Uh, I think you do care, dude, or you wouldn’t be so upset right now. Lisa says that at least he has friends—she didn’t get any calls today because “the computer business is too competitive.” Lisa asks if he wants a pizza, and to his “whatever,” she says, “I already ordered a pizza. Johnny: “Lisa, you think about everything!” Although Johnny doesn’t drink, Lisa eventually convinces him to have one that seems to be…vodka and scotch. Okay then.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpfPmvG6CHI]

Cut to a bit later, when Lisa is wearing Johnny’s tie on her head and the remains of that complicated pizza Lisa ordered appear to be… plain cheese. They’re both drunk and laughing, or as Johnny puts it, “I’m tired, I’m wasted…I love you, darling!” Soon we have another long, awkward sex scene on our hands (drink!) that looks like it’s made up of recycled footage from the last Johnny/Lisa scene.

In the net scene, Lisa is telling her mom about the surprise party she’s planning for Johnny as Claudette complains about real estate problems with her brother. “Everything goes wrong at once. Nobody wants to help me, and I’m dying.” Lisa contradicts that last statement, and Claudette says, “I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer.” Yikes! But Lisa…takes the news disturbingly well and tells Claudette that she’ll be fine. AND THEN THEY MOVE RIGHT ALONG AS IF SHE NEVER SAID IT. WTF? How is Lisa getting bored with Johnny, which is the same conversation they had before (drink!) more important than FUCKING BREAST CANCER?

Seriously. This may be the one and only incidence in film where breast cancer is funny. It will never come up again for the rest of the movie, so DRINK!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnnTqFTHGuc]

Anyway, after Claudette says to Lisa, “At least you have a good man,” Lisa says forcefully, “You’re wrong!” and that last night Johnny got drunk…and hit her. Claudette’s reaction to that? “Johnny doesn’t drink!”

DUDE. Did you miss the part about him hitting her? (Which isn’t true, but still!)

After more Johnny-is-your-financial-security talk, Lisa says she has to meet with a client and kicks her mother out.

And then, things get even weirder when two characters we have never seen before (we later learn that their names are Mike and Michelle) sneak into Johnny and Lisa’s apartment to…have sex. And say things like, “Did you know that chocolate is the symbol of love?”

Why is this happening? Your guess is as good as mine. Is their apartment being fumigated? Is “computer business” code for renting the apartment out for people to have afternoon quickies? Does one of them have some weird disease where they’ll die if they don’t have sex for too long?

Whatever the reason, in the next scene, Lisa and Claudette come back in from shopping as Mike and Michelle try to get their clothes back on and look natural. Lisa is laughing as she tells her mom that these two like to come over to “do homework.” Just a bit later, Denny comes over to pull the whole neighbor-cliché of needing to borrow sugar, except he also needs butter and flour. After Denny leaves, we get some exposition about him. As it turns out, Johnny wanted to adopt Denny and is paying for an apartment in the building and Denny’s college tuition. Then, suddenly, Mike runs back in to get the underwear that he forgot to grab before leaving.

AND THEN IT GETS WEIRDER. In the next scene, Denny is standing on the roof with a basketball when this menacing-looking guy comes out. His name is Chris-R, written exactly like that. That hyphen is so badass, y’all. Anyway, Chris-R, who might be the best actor in this whole film (which certainly isn’t saying much), is looking for his money from Denny, who assures him that it will be there in five minutes. Chris-R: “Five minutes? I don’t have five FUCKING minutes!” And then he’s holding a gun at Denny’s head and screaming at him for the money. Out of nowhere, Johnny and Mark are on the roof, wrestling the gun away from Chris-R and then dragging him downstairs. Lisa and Claudette soon follow, and when he tells them that he owes Chris-R some money, Lisa demands no less than three times, “What kind of money?” as if the most important thing here is whether he owes yen or pesos. Claudette starts lecturing Denny as if she didn’t just meet him, and Denny assures them that Chris-R is going to jail, which…he couldn’t possibly know. Denny admits that he bought some drugs off Chris-R, but doesn’t have them anymore. He won’t say what kind of drugs, though, despite Lisa’s screaming at him. Apparently, he needed money to pay off some things, so…he was buying drugs to sell them? Is Chris-R some kind of drug wholesaler? Claudette keeps yelling at him until Denny yells back, “You’re not my fucking mother!” Then Johnny and Mark come back, and after a lot more screaming and apologizing, they all decide to go home. DROPPED PLOT MEANS DRINK!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zoqky3GoFCQ]

(Still with me? Stay tuned for more awful awesome-ness in Part II!)

Stop the Internet, I HAVE SEEN THE LES MIS MOVIE

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Christmas was lovely—lots of family, good food, and, because it’s my mom’s side of the family, gossip about people from Lowell. Christmas, I forgive you for forcing me to wait one day for….

….drumroll….

LES MIS! Yes, Internet, I’ve finally seen it after months of anticipation. And it was wonderful. Not perfect, but still incredibly amazing, and I will be seeing it again soon. (I have a cold right now—my first cold in over three years, which must be some kind of record—and I’d like to see the movie again while fully healthy, so I can use tissues for another reason.)

Anyway: my thoughts. SPOILERS LIE HEREIN.

Everything you’ve heard about Anne Hathaway’s performance is true. She’s a heartbreaking Fantine—and I normally find Hathaway a little annoying, so you know I mean that. Her voice is gorgeous, first of all, and her “I Dreamed a Dream” is outstanding. That’s one of the more popular songs from the musical, and here they’ve moved it to after Fantine becomes a prostitute. She manages to capture perfectly, in less than five minutes, Fantine’s extraordinary pain while still singing it beautifully. You’ve heard the song before, but never like this. She’s totally going to win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress.

And if there’s any justice in the world, Samantha Barks will get a nomination as well. SO GLAD they went with a theater veteran for Eponine. She knows this character, she GETS this character, and she plays her perfectly. Her “On My Own” was lovely, and in the movie, they went with the book’s version Eponine’s death—she gets shot trying to protect Marius, which of course just makes her death even sadder. I have a feeling she’ll be the voice for a whole new generation of teenage girls with unrequited crushes—and I really hope that this is just the beginning of lots of great things for the luminously gorgeous Ms. Barks. If they ever do a movie version of Wicked, how about her playing Elphaba?

Hugh Jackman was wonderful as well, and he should get an Oscar. The only reason I’m not more enthusiastic about his performance is that many theater actors (including Colm Wilkinson, playing the bishop here) have sung the part better than he did. But even with such intimidating predecessors, he was excellent. It’s a difficult role—the character goes from hardened convict to distinguished mayor to doting father to reluctant revolutionary—and he’s convincing throughout. And he does sing well, his voice just isn’t as pretty as many of the stage Valjeans.

Biggest surprise of the movie: Eddie Redmayne! I’d never heard of him before Les Mis (apparently, he was in My Week with Marilyn), but he was excellent. (Cute, too.) He managed to do what I’d thought was impossible: he made me like Marius. I’ve never really liked Marius—he’s the rich kid who pretends he’s poor, like a nineteenth-century hipster, and he’s totally oblivious to his generous and caring friend’s love for him because he’s too busy mooning over the pretty rich girl. But Redmayne somehow made him much more sympathetic. I think I just bought his love-at-first-sight with Cosette more when we could see it up close on screen, and he captures Marius’s innocence well and makes him kind of adorable. He has a wonderful singing voice as well, especially on “Empty Chairs at Empty Tables.” That song doesn’t normally move me much, but Redmayne made me tear up a bit. I mean, really, poor guy—he gets to marry the love of his life, but only after every single one of his friends dies. Now that I think of it, who even came to the wedding? Anyway, I’d love it if Redmayne got an Oscar nomination as well.

Amanda Seyfried was better than I expected as Cosette. While her voice is very thin, it’s also very pretty, and she hits all the high notes (Cosette has the highest range of any character). Cosette comes across with slightly more personality onscreen than she does onstage or in the book—but just slightly. Damn it, Marius, why do you like her better than Eponine again? She’s totally the simple girl to Eponine’s Katie girl.

Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter were hilarious as the Thenardiers, although I’m not quite sure why he was the only one in the movie with a French accent. I was, however, a bit disappointed with “Master of the House.” That’s such a fun song, and I felt like they could have made it into more of an ensemble number rather than just using it to flesh out the Thenardiers’ characters through a frenetic series of cuts. I think it ultimately came off too cartoon-y in a movie that’s otherwise brutally realistic.

Russell Crowe was the casting choice I was most apprehensive about, and that concern was…warrented. He’s not awful, and people who aren’t familiar with the musical or story will probably like his performance, but I just didn’t think the color of his singing voice was right for the character. His style is more laid back and croon-y, when Javert needs to be more dramatic and belt-y. I’d downloaded the highlights soundtrack before seeing the movie, so I knew what to expect going in, and that helped me to pay attention to Crowe’s good acting choices rather than his subpar singing. Still, during the confrontation scene, when Valjean yells at Javert, “I’m a stronger man by far!” I was like, “Well, duh.”

Speaking of Russell Crowe, while most of the actors take advantage of the live singing and throw in some talk-singing to make it more realistic, he really sings every note. But that seems weirdly appropriate for a character who is dedicated to following the rules at all costs. “NO! This is a musical, and we’re supposed to SING, damn it! I’m going to SING!”

One criticism I keep reading about Tom Hooper’s direction is that he uses too many close-up shots, and that’s valid. It works really well in some places, but in others I was dying for the camera to be pulled back. Ultimately, though, I think his good directing choices outweighed the bad, and the same can be said about the movie as a whole.

One thing I though was really cool visually was the building of the barricade, which doesn’t come across onstage or in the book. The scene with furniture being thrown out of windows for the barricade was awesome.

“One Day More” was perfect, as was the end scene. The latter made me tear up, and probably will do so more upon subsequent viewings.

They barely left anything out! Unless I’m mistaken, the only song eliminated completely was “Dog Eat Dog.” Other songs were shortened, but nothing was left out. They also added “Suddenly,” which isn’t a particularly memorable song, but I think it worked well for an area of the plot that could have used a little something extra.

The sewer scene was a little too realistic. Ugh. Somehow the stage show and book managed to make me forget that sewers are, quite literally, full of shit.

“Lovely Ladies” is a song I don’t pay much attention to in the stage musical, but here it’s a much bigger number that illustrated the world of prostitution that Fantine is entering very well.

They changed the order of some songs, but in a way that I think works. “I Dreamed a Dream” is more effective when it’s sung when Fantine really is at her lowest point. “One Day More” before “Do You Hear the People Sing” works onscreen since there’s no first act that needs a big number at the end.

I like that there were a lot of things they added back into the movie that were in the book but not the musical—Marius’s grandfather, Fantine selling her teeth, Valjean escaping Javert by jumping into the ocean, Valjean and Cosette being helped out by Fauchelevent, Javert apologizing to Valjean prior to the “Who Am I?” scene. They were going to include a reference to Gavroche being Eponine’s brother, but settled for him shedding a tear over her death.

Speaking of Gavroche, Javert leaving his medal on Gavroche’s corpse was a surprising but nice touch. It showed a bit of a crack in Javert’s resolve before his suicide.

And speaking of Javert’s suicide, what was with that noise when he hit the water? Did they just want the audience to know that he was very dead, like Howard Graves?

As nice as it would have been to hear Anne Hathaway singing with Samantha Barks, I like that the ghost of the bishop rather than Eponine shows up at the end. The bishop changed Valjean’s life, and I don’t think he ever even met Eponine.

I saw it with my parents and sister, none of whom had ever seen the musical or read the book, and they all liked it, too. It was interesting seeing it with people who weren’t familiar with it. My mom spent a lot of time ruminating on the story’s themes, and while I’ve always thought “A Heart Full of Love” was a little cheesy, she really liked that scene (which does come off better onscreen than onstage). My dad was a big fan of “One Day More” and the Thenardiers.

God, I haven’t been this obsessed with a movie since Titanicfifteen years ago. (Holy shit, FIFTEEN YEARS AGO?) And I was thirteen years old then.

So who’s going to go see it with me when I go again?

Love Actually Is All Around

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I thought I was pretty desensitized to violence in the news, but all day I’ve been in tears about the shooting in Newtown, Connecticut. Murder is always a tragedy, but when it’s twenty little kids- many of whom were probably excited about Santa visiting them in a week and a half- it’s even more heartbreaking. We were all in elementary school once. We all have little kids in our lives somewhere. We all have teachers we love, either when we were in school or friends and family members who teach. When a random shooting happens in places like a school, a movie theater, a mall, you can’t help but think of how easily you or someone in your life could have been a victim.

I’d already been planning on watching Love Actually tonight, since I usually watch it around Christmas. The central message of the movie, that “love actually is all around,” is pretty comforting right now. At the beginning, they mention how, as far as we know, all of the phone calls placed from the World Trade Center after the planes hit it were messages of love- and although this is a movie that thinks Hugh Grant is a plausible prime minister, that’s actually a good point.

Then I saw this- Diane Sawyer’s interview with a first-grade teacher at the school, Kaitlin Roig, who saved her whole class by barricading them in a bathroom- and who, incidentally, is only a year older than me. And I started crying all over again.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TX8V_ZWwgb4]
“I said to them, ‘I need you to know that I love you all very much and that it’s going to be okay,’ because I thought that was the last thing they were ever going to hear.”

Horrible acts of hate and violence will never stop happening in one way or another. When they do, I think the only way to keep from losing faith in humanity is remembering that acts of love are happening around us all the time- whether it’s something as small as listening to someone who needs to talk or something as heroic as wanting to make sure that if your six-year-old students die, the last thing they’ll hear will be words of love rather than gunshots. Those acts of love are more prevalent than acts of hatred and violence, even if we don’t hear about them, and we need to remember that.

And to remember this:

I need you to know that I love you all very much and that it’s going to be okay.

Playlist of the Moment: Office Holiday Party Mix

The Last Les Mis Post I Write Before I See It. I Promise.

TV As of Late

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Every TV season, I hope that I’ll find something new to watch. Unfortunately, it rarely happens. I’m more of a get-into-a-show-way-after-everyone-else-has-discovered-it kind of girl. That’s what I did with How I Met Your Motherand Modern Family. Right now, I should probably try Parks and Recreation, which I’ve never seen because I didn’t have the good sense to jump on the bandwagon when it started.

But what have I been watching lately? Here’s a rundown on some highlights:

Nashville

This is a new show that I do like. I’m not jumping out of my chair about it, but there is a lot to like about it. Connie Britton plays forty-ish veteran country music star Rayna Jaymes, whose most recent album isn’t living up to expectations. Meanwhile, Rayna, the married mother of two young daughters, is dealing with her husband’s campaign for mayor of Nashville, funded largely by Rayna’s rich and corrupt father and plagued by a potentially disastrous scandal. In the first episode, Rayna’s manager suggests that she go on tour with Juliette Barnes, a young, autotuned country crossover artist played by Hayden Panetierre. Rayna refuses. Juliette, who’s kind of like a more sexed-up, wild child Taylor Swift, seems like an obnoxious brat at first—especially when she both hires and hits on Rayna’s bandleader and ex-boyfriend, Deacon— but she becomes more three-dimensional as we learn more about her terrible childhood with a junkie mother.

Rayna is a pretty great character, feisty but down-to-earth. Juliette is an interesting foil to her who, despite her flaws, is becoming more sympathetic by the week. However, I could do without the tertiary storyline entirely. This involves Deacon’s niece, Scarlett, an aspiring songwriter involved in a love triangle. Most of the Scarlett scenes bore me. And while this show is entertaining, let’s call a spade a spade—it’s a primetime soap.

But one thing that really sets it apart is the original music. It’s produced by T-Bone Burnett, who has been involved in most of the best country music of the 21^st century. (I’m not a huge country music fan, but I do like it.) In one recent episode, Rayna and Juliette perform an original duet onstage together, and it’s a showstopper. In another, Rayna and Deacon sing a lovely, intimate love song in a small club together. I’ll be buying the soundtrack once it’s released.

Oh, yeah—and did I mention that the show was created by Callie Khouri, the Oscar-winning screenwriter of Thelma and Louise? Few people are better at writing female-driven entertainment, so there’s another reason to watch if you needed one.

The Mindy Project

I adore Mindy Kaling. I loved her on The Office and I loved her book, Is Everybody Hanging Out Without Me? I really had high hopes for her new show, but although I liked the pilot a lot, I’m pretty underwhelmed with where the show went from there. And it actually has nothing to do with Mindy’s character, who is awesome—it’s more that I can’t get interested in anyone else on the show.

Dexter

I’ve enjoyed this show since I started watching (it’s another one I caught up with on DVD). I like the dark humor and, although it’s a violent show about a serial killer, I find some parts of it weirdly touching. In the first season, there’s a flashback to when Dexter’s a kid and his father realizes that his son is a sociopath. His father teaches him how to channel his violent impulses toward people who deserve them, and says, in one of the most moving sentences I’ve ever heard on TV, “Remember this forever: you are my son, you are not alone, and you are loved.” And as the show goes on, it’s been interesting to see how Dexter, who at first thought he was incapable of love, clearly is able to feel love for others.

Season 6 started off promising but then went waaaay downhill, with a much-too-obvious reveal in the middle of the season and Deb creepily developing romantic feelings for Dexter. But then it kind of redeemed itself with Deb discovering Dexter’s secret at the end of the season. As of this writing, Season 7 has two episodes left, and it’s been pretty good, if unfocused, so far. Aside from the Deb finding out thing, there’s also LaGuerta getting suspicious of Dexter, a Ukranian mobster (who becomes more interesting when we find out that Dexter killed the man he was secretly in a relationship with) trying to kill Dexter, Dexter beginning a relationship with a pretty blonde murderer named Hannah, Quinn being an idiot by getting involved with a stripper who works for the aforementioned Ukranian mob, and Batista deciding out of nowhere to buy a restaurant. So I’m not quite sure where the last couple of episodes are going, although I do think they’ll be doing more with the idea that, contrary to what he used to believe, Dexter doesn’t really need to kill and maybe isn’t a sociopath at all.

As uneven as this show can be, one consistently awesome thing about it is Deb. WHY THE HELL DOES JENNIFER CARPENTER NEVER GET EMMY NOMINATIONS?! Deb has always been the best character on the show, hands-down. She’s a great foil for Dexter—while he’s always hiding something, Deb is hilariously obvious, blurting out whatever’s on her mind and dropping f-bombs every two seconds. And even when she’s given a ridiculous storyline like (ick) falling in love with her brother, Jennifer Carpenter acts the hell out of the role. I really hope that when Dexter ends, she gets her own show so that she can get the recognition she deserves.

American Horror Story

This is a freaking weird show. I watched the first season in October, since I like watching scary things around Halloween. It’s incredibly campy, over-the-top, and derivative (I can see influences of Frankenstein, Rosemary’s Baby, The Sixth Sense, What Lies Beneath, Carrie, Fatal Attraction, The Shining, and about a zillion other horror movie tropes), but somehow I could not look away. The first season involved a married couple (Connie Britton and Dylan McDermott) and their teenage daughter (Taissa Farmiga, the much-younger sister of Vera Farmiga) moving into a haunted house following a stillbirth and an affair. As it turns out, a shitload of people have died in the house. Now their ghosts cause all kinds of trouble there, and Jessica Lange, chewing scenery as the next-door neighbor from hell, causes a lot of trouble of her own. Connie Britton is great, providing some realism to even the most over-the-top plotlines, and Taissa Farmiga is excellent as the moody teenager Violet.

The second season is still airing now. This is an anthology series, so each season is basically its own miniseries. Season 2 reused a lot of the same actors but with a completely new setting (a 1960s insane asylum) and different characters. Unfortunately, after two episodes I couldn’t get into season 2 at all, so I’m not watching it. But the first season is worth a watch for horror movie fans.

The Voice

I’m still watching this season but am not quite as into it, honestly. I thought a lot of the best people went home before the live shows and my favorite who did make it to the live shows, Amanda Brown, just went home. I’m kind of indifferent about the four remaining singers, so at this point I’m just watching it for the coaches. Adam Levine, in particular, is cracking me up—his going off on a random tangent about how he hates The Roxy was pure gold.

Friday Night Lights

Man, between Nashville, American Horror Story, and this show, which I’m slowly working my way through on DVD, there is a lot of Connie Britton in my life right now. She is wonderful—although, does she ever play characters who aren’t warm and likeable?

Actually, Friday Night Lights was a show that was mostly about warm, likeable characters. Which is probably why, despite low ratings, this show managed to hang on for five years, two of which were spent on DirecTV. I’ve only seen Season 1 so far, but I’m looking forward to the rest of it. I feel like, contrary to recent trends in TV shows, it managed to pack a narrative punch while being quiet and subtle rather than over-the-top, and it’s refreshing to watch.

And speaking of shows that moved to DirecTV,

Damages

I’ve not yet seen Season 5, so don’t say anything about it in the comments! So far, this show seems to follow one awesome season with another kind of dull one. Season 1 was freaking amazing, but Season 2 couldn’t live up to the previous season. Season 3 didn’t reach Season 1 levels of brilliance, but was impressive enough to restore the show to glory. Sadly, Season 4, its first on DirecTV, just didn’t have an interesting enough season-long arc to hold my interest. But if the pattern keeps up, Season 5 should be much better. I guess I’ll find out soon.

Pure Bright Fire

Formerly a struggling single twenty-something