Previously, there was this post. Let’s continue.
In the next scene, Lisa is calling Mark again, who responds to “I miss you,” with “I just saw you. What are you talking about?” Blah blah blah Mark doesn’t want to see her again, but we all know how long that will last.
AND THEN WE HAVE AN ABSOLUTELY AMAZING PIECE OF ACTING. See for yourself.
Uh, yeah. Also, we never find out HOW Johnny found out about Lisa’s lie about him hitting her, but we do get this random Chris-R scene? WTF?
Anyway, Mark wants to know if girls like to cheat like guys do. He knew one girl who had a dozen guys, and when one of them found out, he beat her up so bad she ended up in a hospital on Guererro Street. Johnny’s response to this? HE LAUGHS. Even though that’s not the least bit funny. When Johnny says Mark needs a girl, Mark says, “Maybe I already do.” He also comments about women, “Sometimes they’re too smart. Other times they’re just flat-out stupid. Other times, they’re just evil.” In another movie I might find this misogynistic and disturbing, but because everything else here is so ridiculous, it’s best not to think about it too much.
After Mark leaves the roof as Johnny throws a football in the air (drink!), Denny comes up. They’re going to see a movie that night, but when Denny asks what kind of movie, Johnny says not to plan too much, because it might come out right. As they throw a football around, Denny confesses that he thinks he’s in love with Lisa, who “looks beautiful in her red dress” (drink!). Johnny takes the news amazingly well, telling Denny not to worry about it and waxing philosophical: “If a lot of people love each other, the world would be a better place to live.” Also, Denny has apparently been seeing some girl named Elizabeth and after some thought, Denny says he wants to marry Elizabeth once he graduates, which earns him a, “That’s the idea!” (Drink!) The scene ends with Johnny saying, “Let’s go eat, huh?”
In the next scene, Lisa repeats the Johnny-hit-me lie to Michelle, who reacts more appropriately than Claudette did. Lisa also confesses her affair with Mark. Michelle warns her that someone will get hurt, but agrees not to tell anyone about it. Then Johnny comes home, and Michelle leaves, warning Lisa to remember what she said. Johnny confronts Lisa about her hitting lie. Lisa warns Johnny that she might change her mind about him, and when Lisa says she’s going upstairs, Johnny gets upset and ends up saying…
Lisa asks him why he’s so hysterical, and he says, “Do you understand life? Do you?” They sort of awkwardly make up as Lisa goes upstairs for the night, and Johnny says, “I still love you!” I know the movie has reminded us a million times that LISA IS HOT, but I still can’t quite see why Johnny seems to love her so much.
Next scene. Johnny is in the hallway when Mike shows up (drink for “Oh, hai Mike!”) and retells, for some reason, the story about Claudette seeing him run back into the apartment to retrieve what he refers to as “me underwears” [sic]. Then Denny shows up with a football (drink!) and they throw it around in the hallway while standing about three feet apart. Then Mark shows up (drink for “Oh, hai Mark!”) He joins the conversation and comments, “Underwear, what’s that?” Mike doesn’t want to talk about it, and Mark very lightly nudges Mike, who somehow crumbles and falls dramatically into a metal trash can. Everyone is way more concerned about THIS than about Claudette’s breast cancer. Then they all decide to go home. No, there was not, in fact, a point to this scene, but that’s true so many times in this movie that it’s not even worth mentioning anymore.
In the next scene, Claudette is complaining to Lisa about how Johnny wouldn’t help her friend with something with her house because “it’s an awkward situation.” Claudette and Lisa have the same conversation again (drink!) except that this time, Lisa confesses that she’s seeing someone else. AND, dun dun dun, unbeknownst to them, Johnny is listening on the stairs. Claudette is also apparently psychic because, apropos of nothing, she comments, “If you think I’m tired today, you should see me tomorrow.” After Claudette and Lisa leave, Johnny indignantly (or as “indignantly” as Tommy Wiseau’s limited acting abilities will allow him to get) vows to “record everything” and sets up a cassette tape to record phone calls. Which…must be a pretty long tape, if it’s continuously recording.
Next scene. Johnny complains to another friend, a psychologist named Peter, about Lisa being unfaithful to him. Despite being a psychologist, Peter doesn’t have much useful advice except to confront Lisa, which Johnny won’t do. Then Mark comes over (two “oh hais”) and tells everyone that he’s seeing a woman who’s married and that it’s an awkward situation. Johnny talks about how Lisa is saying she might not want to get married, and Mark inserts two non-sequiturs, first about how he’s thinking of getting a bigger place because he’s making some good money, then to ask them if they’re doing Bay to Breakers. Peter says he’s not, to which Johnny responds by calling him a chicken and cheep-cheeping (drink!). Peter asks how Johnny and Lisa met, and Johnny says that it’s an interesting story. That phrase in this movie is a bit frightening, but it’s…not that interesting at all. Johnny had just moved to San Fran with a large check from an “out of state bank” that he couldn’t cash…despite being a banker. He saw Lisa in a coffee shop and thought she was so beautiful (drink!). Mark echoes my thoughts by asking what the interesting part is, and it’s that…Lisa paid for their first date. Okay then. Speaking of the devil, Lisa comes in with Denny, and Mark says he has to leave, despite Lisa wanting him to stick around. Denny asks Lisa about the wedding and why Johnny doesn’t seem excited about it, but Lisa blows him off and Denny leaves.
Peter goes up on the roof in the net scene to find Mark wearing a Canadian tuxedo and smoking pot. Maybe Chris-R is his dealer, too? He offers some to Peter, who declines. Mark is feeling guilty about something he’s done and feels like running and killing himself or doing something crazy. Peter confronts Mark about having an affair with Lisa, and Mark responds by…trying to throw Peter off the room. For like two seconds. Then he apologizes, Peter says he’s fine, AND THEN THEY GO ON AS IF MARK DIDN’T JUST TRY TO MURDER PETER. Peter says Mark shouldn’t see Lisa again and that Lisa is probably a sociopath. Mark whatevers him, and they both get down off the roof.
Oh, we’re in for a great scene next. Johnny is wearing his tuxedo and on the phone with someone. When he gets off, Denny comes in…also wearing a tux. Wedding? Nope, they just felt like putting their tuxedos on today. Don’t ask, because you will not get an explanation on this. The doorbell rings and in comes Peter, also in a tux. And then comes Mark…and while he’s also wearing a tux, the weirdest part is that there’s dramatic music and a close-up on Mark’s newly shaven face. Denny suggests playing football. Peter’s not so sure about it, but after they cheep-cheep him (drink!), he agrees. So they go outside and throw the football around while wearing tuxes and standing about three feet apart from each other. Then Peter trips and falls flat on his face, causing Denny to remark, “Gee, Peter, you’re clumsy.” Despite them only having played for about ten seconds, Peter says, “All right, that’s it. I’m done.”
And he is. Peter completely disappears from the movie after this scene.
More San Fran, then a coffee shop scene in which someone is ordering cheesecake and bottled water. Johnny comes in holding…one manila folder. I guess that means he’s just come from work? He and Mark sit down at a table, and Mark vaguely complains about relationships again. The waitress brings their drinks and suggests they order cheesecake, but they decline. Mark asks Johnny how work was, and he said that the bank just got a new client. However, he can’t tell Mark about it, despite Mark’s protestations, because it’s confidential. He badly attempts to change the subject by asking Mark, “Anyway, how’s your sex life?” Uh…okay. Mark doesn’t want to tell him, and Johnny asks, “Why not?” as if randomly asking about someone’s sex life is a completely normal thing to do. Johnny gets up and leaves (neither of them ever pay for their drinks) and they make plans to go jogging.
In Johnny and Lisa’s apartment, Lisa is seducing Mark AGAIN, and we DRINK! for another awkward sex scene and slow jam. Mark somehow seems really surprised by the whole thing, EVEN THOUGH HE’S BEEN TALKING ABOUT IT CONSTANTLY.
So when that’s finally over, we see Johnny and Mark at some park, running and tossing a football around. (Drink!) Why? Who knows?
But somehow, Mark is ALSO back at Johnny and Lisa’s. You know what? I think I’ve figured this out. Claudette can see the future and Mark can be in two places at once. THIS IS ACTUALLY A SUPERHERO MOVIE.
Before long, Mark and Lisa have taken their shirts off and Mark has told Lisa she’s beautiful (drink!). But Michelle knocks on the door before they can get too far and teases Mark with the XYZ (x-amine your zipper) joke that you thought was hilarious in second grade. Lisa and Michelle discuss the affair and how Lisa still hasn’t told Johnny, blah blah blah.
AND NOW MARK IS BACK WITH JOHNNY AT THE PARK. WTF? Now they’re just running like they’d talked about.
After some more stock San Francisco shots, Johnny leaves and says goodbye to Lisa as Claudette comes in. THEY HAVE THE SAME CONVERSATION THEY ALWAYS HAVE. Drink! Claudette opines that “marriage has nothing to do with love.”
That night, Johnny returns home to Lisa’s surprise birthday party for him. All their friends are there except Peter who, as I said, has disappeared from the movie.
There’s San Francisco footage in between scenes at the party, which makes no sense, but neither does anything else. Anyway, everyone is talking at the party when Lisa suggests going outside for some fresh air. This, of course, is just an excuse to make out with Mark…and what could go wrong with that? How about some random guy, who’s probably taking Peter’s lines, walking in on them? (The credits say his name is “Stephen,” so I’ll call him that). He asks them why they’re doing this, and Mark indignantly responds with possibly the best line in the movie: “You don’t understand anything, man. Leave your STUPID comments in your pocket!”
I need to start using that line more.
Johnny comes back in and says to Lisa, “You invited all my friends. Good thinking!” as if that’s not what you normally do for a surprise party. Then they all go back outside. Johnny suddenly announces to everyone that he and Lisa are “expecting.” After some congratulations, Michelle and Stephen confront Lisa about the cheating thing, and Lisa admits that she’s not really pregnant—she told Johnny that to “make it interesting.” Uh…okay? You think he won’t notice in nine months when the baby’s not there? Stephen says, “I feel like I’m sitting on an atomic bomb waiting for it to go off!” Lisa is unmoved and still doesn’t want to tell Johnny or do anything about the situation, and eventually she just tells everyone to go back inside for cake.
Inside, some completely random guy we’ve never seen before says his one and only line, “Lisa looks hot tonight.” (Drink!) Mark asks Lisa if the baby is hers, and Lisa ends up slapping him, which leads to Mark and Johnny briefly fighting. Cut to a bit later, when Lisa and Mark are basically slow dancing to no music. Johnny asks what they’re doing, and Lisa and Mark both say to leave them alone. Mark indignantly tells Johnny that Lisa’s changed her mind about him, and then echoes what many of us are thinking by saying, “Wake up, man! What planet are you on?” Johnny yells, “Don’t touch me, motherfucker!” and they end up fighting again. Johnny “cheep-cheeps” at Mark, which enrages him for some reason, and Johnny eventually stomps out yelling, “Everybody betray me. I’m fed up with this world!”
Later, Johnny has locked himself in the bathroom. Claudette says goodbye to Lisa as if everything is normal, and then Lisa asks Johnny when he’s coming out. Johnny: “In a few minutes, bitch.” Lisa: “Who are you calling a bitch?” Johnny: “You and your stupid mother.” And Lisa decides to take this opportunity to….call Mark. Great timing, that girl has. Mark no longer cares about being Johnny’s best friend and tells Lisa, “I want your body.” Johnny comes out of the bathroom and indignantly checks the magic tape recorder. You’d think he’d have all the proof he needs at this point that Mark and Lisa are having an affair, but for some reason the tape is what makes him go totally crazy. He and Lisa argue, and after listening to more of the tape, Johnny throws the tape recorder and moans about how he doesn’t have a friend in the world. Unmoved, Lisa tells him she’s leaving him and goes to be with Mark.
Then Johnny starts yelling and knocking things off shelves and breaking things as he flashes back to happier times. The pictures of spoons remain intact, but the TV he throws out the window isn’t so lucky. Then for some reason, he rubs Lisa’s red dress all over himself and then tears it up. Finally, he takes a gun out of a box (is it the same one he took from Chris-R?) and says, “God, forgive me,” before sticking the gun in his mouth and pulling the trigger.
Lisa and Mark run in. “Wake up Johnny!” yells Mark, while Lisa asks, “Is he dead?”
…Um, really? I’m not sure which one of those stupid comments is deeper in the pocket.
Lisa cries and Mark kisses Johnny’s forehead. But that doesn’t last long. Lisa says to Mark, “I’ve lost him but I still have you, right?” Mark retorts, “You’ll never have me.” He calls her a tramp and says she killed Johnny, followed with, “GET OUT OF MY LIFE, YOU BITCH!” Then Denny comes in, also crying, and Mark says to Lisa, “As far as I’m concerned, you can drop off the earth. That’s a promise.” Lisa and Mark start to leave, but eventually come back to comfort Denny. As we fade out, sirens wail in the background, and in a nice touch, we hear voices, one of them being a random woman who says, “Call 911!”
So that, my friends, is the glorious, awful wonder that is The Room. If you’re in Boston, Coolidge Corner does screenings about once a month. If you’re not in Boston, there’s probably a theater somewhere in your area that does them, too.
Either way, meet me there, as I hope I’ve convinced you to see it by now. Bring spoons, but leave your stupid comments in your pocket.