When someone asks you how you are, what is there to say besides, “Good,” “Okay,” “Fine,” or something like that? Most of the time, people are just making conversation and don’t really want to know. They just want to move the conversation along.
But lately, the truth is…I’m not good. I’m not okay. I’m not fine. In fact, I’ve been crying a lot almost every day for most of the last month, and I don’t know how to talk about it.
Don’t worry- I haven’t fallen into a black hole of despair or become a victim of any other overdramatic phrase like that. I’m not suffering from anhedonia. And while I might not be fine now, I will be. I’m doing my best to make myself feel better. There are too many reasons to be happy, and life is just too short not to spend it that way.
But sometimes, it’s hard to see that when the things that are upsetting you just will.not.leave.your.mind.
I’m not going to go into the specific reasons for why I’m upset, partly because they’re not the kind of thing I want to discuss on a public blog and partly because they sound really stupid and inconsequential if I say them out loud. It’s not as if something obvious, like a breakup, is what’s upsetting me.
In the vaguest terms, what has been bothering me is a large sense of loneliness to which several different things have contributed. I’ve just been feeling sad and lonely. I have some amazing people in my life who bring me great joy, but sometimes, despite all that, loneliness just still creeps in and takes over. Also, there’s the matter of blaming myself for that loneliness- analyzing everything I’ve said and done and beating myself up if I remember something that I shouldn’t have said or done.
I hesitated about whether to post this because I don’t want it to come across as a plea for sympathy or attention. It’s not. I’m sad, but it’s not as if something huge and terrible is wrong. And like I said, I will be fine. I know I will.
But for now, I am just really sick of smiling and saying I’m fine when I’m not, pretending that I’m looking away for any reason other than preventing you from seeing that I have tears in my eyes. And so, in some small way, this is out there now. Thank you for reading.